Insinuation Anxiety: noun
A worry that not agreeing with someone’s choices implies criticism
of how they are managing pandemic life.
— Counseling Today (November 2020)

There are a few additional definitions available, explaining various versions of the same trend- the fear that by wearing a mask or socially distancing, you could be misunderstood. This fear is based on the fact that the other person involved might think you’re implying that they’re unsafe, a danger to be around, or worse yet–have poor discussion making skills or lack intelligence.

You’ve probably seen this anxiety or perhaps even had bouts of it yourself. If you’re not familiar with the fear, just take a look at some of the conversations out on Facebook and you’ll quickly recognize it lurking there.

But this topic intrigued me for another reason too.

Lately, I’ve noticed an increase in people’s stress and anxiety in general when someone else disagrees with them or has thoughts different from their own.  This isn’t just about the pandemic, although it could be a side effect of it. We humans have a natural propensity to feel threatened when people disagree with us. Why is that?

Emotional (Or Physical) Danger

There’s a theory that says that because humans were once heavily dependent on one another for survival, our brains are wired to sense fear when we’re at risk of being “on the outs” with society. Centuries ago, it was a literal threat to be ostracized from the tribe.  Being banished from the group meant we’d be on our own and vulnerable to attack by predators, and less successful at hunting the food we’d need to survive. While it’s unlikely that being disapproved of by your friends or family would result in death today, this theory says we were created with an internal warning system that hasn’t evolved along with the rest of our brain and thinking, so we continue to be overly sensitive to the approval of others.

We Were Made For Relationship

I’m not so sure that humans just “evolved” in order to survive as a species, but I do believe that our Creator made us with brains that are capable of adapting as the universe evolves. And I for sure believe that we were created for relationship. After all, not only did God create us to be in relationship with Him, but He also made it clear that He wants us to be in relation with others.  Genesis says He thought the world was “very good”…until he saw Adam all alone.  Nope. “No good,” He said, and went back to work to remedy the dilemma. We were made to relate to and connect with each other. Whether we like it or not, it does matter to us what others think.

So how do we hold this in check so it doesn’t become unhealthy? If we spend our lives focussing on what others think of us, and worrying about how to change their opinions of us, we’ll likely feel emotionally exhausted in addition to feeling threatened! When others think you’re wrong or question your judgement, you can see how easy it would be to begin living for others in an unhealthy way.

Assessing What Matters

As usual, the answer is found by assessing our thoughts and feelings. Often times, physiological sensations in the body are our first clue that something is wrong with our thinking. Check in with your body. What are you feeling? What do you notice? For many people, a sensation of heat or tightness in their shoulders and chest signifies nervousness, fear, or anxiety. Others notice a “knot” in their stomach or nausea. The better you are at recognizing and labeling the feeling, the faster you’ll be able to get to the thought that’s causing it.

Here are some key questions you can ask yourself to help you to stand in confidence rather than fear.

• What am I really afraid of here?
• What’s at stake? How does what they think impact me?
• Do I value this person’s opinion?
• Do I value his/her values? Do their values match mine?
• Are there areas of my life where it’s okay to not see eye-to-eye with this person?
• Can I give this person the grace and freedom to think differently than me?

As I said, it’s highly unlikely that your well-being is at risk if another person disagrees with you or has a perspective that is different than yours. Reminding yourself of this at the time can support your parasympathetic nervous system in calming you down. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that you have options. You can:

• Agree to disagree
• Explain your thought process or how you arrived at your decision/conclusion
• Decline to explain your reasoning
• Ask to change the conversation to a different topic
• End the conversation completely
• Create distance (either temporarily or permanently)
• “Let them” be wrong about you

It’s okay to let people be wrong about you.

One of my favorite freeing thoughts is this: “It’s okay for people to be wrong about me.” While I can say this with confidence now, it took quite some time before I fully believed it. I had to build up to the thought with “smaller” thoughts like, “Maybe someday I’ll be able to let people be wrong about me” and “I’m working on allowing others to be wrong about me.”

While we can certainly influence what others think of us by how we behave, we can never control their thoughts. In fact, what someone else thinks about you or your decisions often says far more about them than it does about you! As I frequently remind clients, “What others think about you is really none of your business.” 🙂

Whether we’re talking about the pandemic, or a completely random topic, I’m willing to bet you’re doing just fine.  I’ll assume you’re doing the best you can, with what you know….but then again, those are just my thoughts about you! 😉

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The post Why Other People’s Opinions Matter appeared first on Rise Coaching.

They were impressed. They talked among themselves about how it would improve the security of their product and how well they expect it to be received by their end customer and the innovation it would bring. There was just one thing they couldn’t get past. These trays get shipped to their customers in boxes…which they already had a large supply of. Finally, the CEO who had been listening quietly spoke up. “Are we seriously talking about boxes?” “You’re right.” Someone said. “Scrap the boxes. This is going to change everything!”

What my husband shared as just a recap of his day was a little gold nugget that I shared with the members of Rising Soul. We’ve been talking about our identities this month. The story made me think of the boxes we put ourselves in. We look to our past to see what’s possible in our lives. We get hung up on minuscule details and allow them to prevent us from change. We let all the lies we’ve believed and the identity we’ve adopted (from the world–not from our Creator!) box us in and keep us from growing and expanding.

How often do you box yourself in with your own thoughts about yourself and what you’re capable of?

“I am terrible at math”

“I’m not smart enough.”

“I could never do that.”

“I’m not strong enough to handle this.”

“I’m confused.”

“I’m not good with money and budgeting.”

God is bigger than any limitations that we can box ourselves into. This means we’re capable of so much more than we realize…because God can do all things in and through us!

Of course, not all things need to be changeable. But it’s possible they could…whether with practice or a change in thoughts and actions.

The problem is that humans have what’s known by psychologists as a cognitive bias.  It means our brain is always looking for evidence of what it already believes is true. (It’s also the scientific explanation for the self-fulfilling prophecy.) A belief is nothing more than a thought we’ve thought so many times that our brain accepts it as reality and no longer checks for evidence to the contrary.

Another problem with this is that God is bigger than any limitations that we can box ourselves into. This means we’re capable of so much more than we realize…because God can do all things in and through us!

This morning I was reading in Acts where Paul gave an account of his life while standing on trial.  He told the King and the crowd that he was raised Jewish and had been taught by the best teachers all throughout childhood.  He was a member of the strictest sect of the Jewish religion- living as a Pharisee until he was old enough to take the road hunting down Christians.  He admitted that he even held the coats for people as they stoned a man to death!  And then…he went on to share the story of how he met Jesus one day on the road to Damascus, and how Jesus had changed him completely–from murderer to messenger.

Thank God (literally!) that Paul didn’t allow his past to box him in. 

Instead, he found freedom.

A new way of being.

A life that looked nothing like the one he left behind.

Sure, others tried to keep him in the box he’d put himself in.  Some preferred he stay there.  “Wait!” Some said, “Isn’t this the guy who ran around killing people? Do we really trust this guy enough to listen to what’s he’s got to say?”  I may be taking some liberty here with my translation, but the point is that it’s natural to hang onto what we’ve believed of ourselves- and others-in the past, in order to anticipate the future.  By doing so, we run the risk of limiting ourselves or resisting the change that God has in store for us!

The next time you catch yourself identifying your abilities or character by your past, stop and ask yourself:

1. Is this really true?
2. Are there exceptions?
3. What if God could change this about me?
4. what may He be trying to do in or through me?

Then scrap the box, knowing God can change anything!

Need help breaking out of that box?  Join us in the Rising Soul monthly membership where we deep dive into a different topic each month to get intentional about living the abundant life we were created for. 

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My memories of those summers consist mostly of the smell of peanut butter and  arts & crafts supplies. But there is one memory that’s less nostalgic.  I was probably only waist high, but felt tall while standing on a baby swing, moving back and forth.

Until, that is, “Marty”, the neighborhood bully stepped in front of me, and grabbed the chains, bringing me to an abrupt stop.  He was a teenager, and stood inches from my face. He looked me directly in the eyes and said, “Your dad’s a LOSER!”

“HE IS NOT!” I defended.  But Marty kept repeating it over and over until I began crying.  As I look back now, I shake my head at that cute little girl….so feisty…and hurt.   It was silly that I’d let him upset me so badly, considering that he didn’t even know who my dad was!  But I did and he was anything but loser.  So why did it bother me so much?

When we’re little, our identity has yet to be “formed.”  We’re far from knowing who we “are” yet and have no accomplishments to define us. So what do we have to rely on then?  The identity of our caregivers.  Simply put, if my Dad was a loser, then I had to be a loser too!

There’s lots of talk about ‘identity” and “purpose” these days.  They’re so closely tied together, in fact, that many people confuse the two.

There are three reasons we have to know WHOSE we are in order to know WHO we are!

1.  We’re made in God’s image

Isn’t it ironic that God created Adam as an adult man? His first full day of life spent hanging out with God in the Garden of Eden  included no memories of his past, or accomplishments to look to for his identity.  His identity WAS in God’s love, approval and satisfaction. We don’t need to rely on our own abilities, character, or roles to know who we are.  In fact, doing so just may get us into trouble (or smack dab in the middle of an all-out identity crisis)!

2.  It impacts how we see and relate to God

There’s no better evidence of this than Psalm 23. (You know it….”The Lord is my shepherd….”) You don’t need to look it up to know who we are in this metaphor.  When asked, even small children know who we are: SHEEP!  And yet…the word “sheep” isn’t found anywhere in this chapter of the Bible.  If God is the shepherd, we must be His sheep.  Even more importantly, knowing who He is gives us a security and rest unlike any other. 

3.  We’re born into Christ’s likeness when adopted into His family

There’s a certain look my Dad gets when he hears something odd. The inner most corner (and ONLY that corner) of his right  eyebrow raises like a question mark, giving him away every time. Several years ago, for the very first time,  he met his biological sister who was separated at birth.  Imagine when they recognized this same expression in each other during their time together!  While my aunt never met my grandmother, this little idiosyncrasy of hers was in her children’s DNA and inherited at birth! There’s much in Scripture about the attributes of God that we inherit from our Father when we receive Him into our lives. (Ephesians 5:8, 1 John 4:17, 2 Corinth 5:21 to name just a few.)

Our identities as humans are rich and multi-faceted.  Knowing who we are gives us insight into how we interpret and show up for the world around us.  Increased self-awareness can even help us become more aware of others.  (Empathy, for example, is experienced by being able to identify and connect with the another person from a piece of us that is similar). But far more important than knowing who we are is knowing whose we are. Because who we are will likely change more times than we can count over the course of our lifetime.  But our Father is unchanging, and knowing this and who He is, brings a stability, comfort and peace that is unshakable!

The post 3 Reasons to Know Whose You Are appeared first on Rise Coaching.

Several years ago, I was caught off guard when my daughter called me out unintentionally.  “Mom, your Pinterest clothes are so cute.  How come you don’t dress that way?” Ouch!  It stung. But after considering it, I realized it was a valid question.  I (like millions of other Pinterest addicts) was pinning things that caught my eye.  Things I felt represented my spirit well.  So why was I living that life virtually instead of in reality? 

Before you hit “delete” thinking this is about living a shallow life where identity is found in design, let me assure you: I live in a place of gratitude. I thank God every day for the life I get to live. I know that this life is not about what we accumulate here, and that what we focus on can lead to wanting more of it and less of the things that really matter.  Random Fact: My first Pinterest password was “sinterest” to remind me when logging in that He created me with a heart of vision & creativity -not coveting & jealousy. (It also ironically proves he made me a words girl as well.)

With that said, my daughter’s question hit me for a reason beyond insulting my wardrobe. As a young teen I remember saving my babysitting money to buy Bridal magazines, and then designed a poster of my dream wedding-to the minutiae. I had another that detailed my future home-including photos, fabric swatches, and even a floor plan! (A skill that served me well when I got my 1st degree in Interior Design.) So you can imagine my excitement when I heard of this wonder called “Pinterest”.  Let’s just say I could win a metal for having the most boards if that were a thing.

Living Intentionally

When my girl pointed out the discrepancy she saw, it was as if she’d asked “Is this who you want to be?”  I thought about what I’d virtually pinned online.  My boards represented a wide range of hobbies, the body and home that I live in (or hope to some day), self care, nutrition, etc.  But the ones I spent the most time adding to had a deeper meaning and enjoyment.  Scripture that has shaped my life and brought comfort, gatherings for hosting family and friends, date ideas for my husband, family vacations and activities and things that would make our kids and someday grand-kids want to come “home”.

I realized that for the most part, my life does look a lot like what I’d planned as a child.  The creativity God seeded in me as a child has grown deep in my roots.  I still love spending time with my family and our four legged friends as well as decorating, knitting, and being outside.  But I also realized that there are somethings I’ve pinned for the future that I could be living today.  So I don’t have a huge kitchen.  Why wait until I do to invite friends over for supper?  Now that I’m done with school, why not start those hobbies I’ve been wanting to learn?  And when would it be the right time to dress my body in a way that reflected my personality?

Living on Purpose I made some changes that day.  I cleaned out my closet and donated anything that didn’t reflect my spirit.  I Marie Kondo’d my entire wardrobe.  (Minus thanking my clothes for their service before giving them away. That’s just weird. 😉 I started asking myself each time before making a purchase, “Does this reflect my spirit?” If not, it’s a no-go.   I shared my dream with my husband to someday live on a reversed tithe where we live on 10% of our income and donate 90% to those who need it more than we ever could as Americans.  While our businesses are still a long way from being able to support that idea, he surprised me a few months later when he shared that he’d reworked our budget and and created a plan to scale our charitable giving by 1% every year until we’re able to make a bigger jump.    The truth is, living authentically (where your values, dreams and actions all align) brings contentment while in-congruence brings distress.  Don’t believe me?  Show me a someone who believes God loves us infinitely, but hates herself whenever she passes a mirror.  How about someone who wants to give her kids the childhood she never had, but loses her temper with them all day.  Or the nutritionist who teaches healthy eating all day and binges on junk food each night.  We can’t believe one thing in our heart while taking contrasting action without experiencing internal conflict. “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” -Gandhi

When we take our beliefs and values with us into all areas of our life, we are consistent in who we are.   What are your core beliefs? What foundation have you built your life on?  If you reviewed all of the “boards” and “pins” in your life, would they align with your foundation, or are there things you need to pin or toss in order to live in alignment with your beliefs?  Take a look. Take some time for a late spring cleaning. You’ll be so glad you did!

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

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The post Why Your Pinterest Boards are Worth Living appeared first on Rise Coaching.

Like many of you, I grew up with my own story of “not enough”. As a kid, I struggled hard in school. Homework was an all-evening, all-out battle.

The night habitually ended with my head on the kitchen table, whining “this is so stupid!”, which would alert my mother that all learning had ceased for the day and it was time for bed. My agony was rewarded with judgemental letters on my report card (usually followed by a minus), and tangible gifts from my parents to ensure I didn’t ditch hope or motivation to “just keep trying”. My first guinea pig was a bonus payout after a long summer spent conquering my multiplication tables. (For the record, I still believe math is stupid, but I’ve gotten better at it over the years.)   This continued through high school and into my freshman year of college, when I called my parents to say, “I’m coming home. I’m just not smart enough for this. It’s not for me.” Because I believed these unchallenged thoughts, I dropped out and settled into a procession of jobs that kept me bored and unfulfilled.   All those years of struggle did something within me. They solidified a story of “I’m not smart enough”, which morphed into many versions of “not enough”. (Same book; different chapter!) This would eventually change from a thought that I held to a thought that held me. It silenced my voice and kept me from taking risks because I truly believed I wasn’t capable of fulfilling my God-given dreams. A belief is just something we’ve thought so many times that it’s become hard-wired into our brain and accepted as “fact”. It’s like a well-driven path that becomes easy to drive on. We can do it almost on autopilot. The brain is always looking for evidence of what it already believes, and when it comes to beliefs about the self, thoughts can become a bit like a carnival mirror that shows a very warped image of who we are. Eventually, we stop testing them because we think we can trust the “evidence” we see.   Fast forward a decade and several God-instances later to the day I was forced to face these fears and lies that were keeping me quiet and still. The unexpected outsourcing of the job I held meant I could return to college to pursue the dream I’d left behind. I had plenty of time on my hands while our kids were in school. I lived only 40 minutes from campus. My husband was in full support. There was just one problem though. Remember?  I wasn’t college material! I wasn’t smart enough and college wasn’t for me. If it weren’t for the overwhelming evidence of divine intervention, I would have wimped out. But the second chance at chasing my dream had me wondering…What if?   So, I went; all along telling myself I wouldn’t have anything positive to contribute to the class discussions (until I did), I couldn’t get an A (until I did), I couldn’t make the dean’s list (until I did).  Next came the suggestion of pursuing my master’s degree. Me?! People like me don’t make it into grad school! Until I did. And on it went. I became a licensed clinical therapist and opened a private practice. At some point I had to wonder: Is this true? Am I really not smart? How could I do all these things if I wasn’t capable of them?  

At some point we have to fact-check our thoughts.  Is this true? What does the evidence show? Could it be a lie that keeps me in playing small? You’d think the clouds would have parted at some point in all this, and my new “awakening” would mean permanent freedom. But neuroscience shows this is not how the human brain works. Sure, I’ve gained confidence as a result of overcoming barriers. But the brain is a trickster whose negativity has kept us alive for centuries. If it can’t sell you its story to keep you safe in the cave, it will move onto a more convincing chapter. Therapists call this “imposter syndrome”.  As in “Who do you think you are? Eventually someone will realize you’re not equipped for this.”  Even now, I still have regular thoughts like: “What could I possibly add to the conversation?” “If I know this, everyone else must too.” and “I’ll be an expert when….”   Here’s the thing though. This isn’t my first rodeo. This bull may have kicked the snot out of me enough times to make me gun-shy, but I’ve also learned a thing or two along the way. I no longer blindly accept my thoughts as truth. I’ve come to accept that whenever I take a risk toward completing the work I was created for (what Brené Brown calls “stepping into the ring”), I will inevitably hear the voice of “not enough”. But now instead of entertaining the thought I say, “Duly noted” and I continue with my work.   What thought have you been allowing to run rogue? What thought keeps you from pursuing a dream? My guess is that you know it well, but I want to invite you into a new relationship with it. Learn to view it as an annoying carpooler. Stop trying to fight or outrun it. It’s planning to ride with you today regardless of whether it’s been invited. But that doesn’t mean you have to engage with it. After all, you’re the one in the driver’s seat. When it knocks on your passenger window, just raise an eyebrow say “Ah, there you are. I was wondering when you’d show up.”   Then point to the backseat, tell it to shut up & sit down. And then drive!

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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The post “Not Enough” (and Other Lies of the Unsupervised Brain) appeared first on Rise Coaching.