The Hidden Threats to Your Marriage—and How to Overcome Them
What makes a marriage thrive? Many couples assume love and compatibility are enough, but even the strongest marriages struggle when certain destructive patterns are formed. Renowned marriage researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who have spent decades studying relationships, identified four key behaviors (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy!
Today we’ll explore five key aspects of a thriving marriage and practical ways to improve each one. Whether your relationship is currently struggling or simply in need of a tune-up, these insights will help you cultivate and keep a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling connection with your spouse.
Assessing & Strengthening Your Marriage
You Enjoy Spending Time Together
It may seem obvious that couples in healthy marriages genuinely enjoy spending time together. But here’s the key—enjoying each other’s company isn’t about how “enjoyable” your partner is. Over the years, I’ve sat with many people (men and women alike) who look at both their spouse and marriage as if it were a card in the hand they’ve been dealt. They see this as good or bad, but something they themselves have no control over. While viewing your spouse or marriage as a blessing can be a grateful force that leads you to cherish them, seeing them as a curse certainly won’t help the outcome of the marriage at all! In fact, it strips us of our drive to focus on the areas we can influence and change.
Negativity invades a marriage slowly, over time. What starts as noticing a mild irritation can evolve into storing up a mental catalog of our spouse’s flaws, frustrations, and shortcomings. Before we know it, we’re chronically criticizing them in our mind if not aloud. If left unchecked, this evolves into contempt– one of the most toxic forces in a marriage. It’s the feeling that your spouse is the problem, or beneath you in some way. As we focus solely on what our spouse does wrong, we simultaneously minimize their positive qualities. If this trajectory isn’t changed, the warmth, attraction, and connection that once felt effortless is completely eroded.
Have you ever taken stock of all of your annoying traits and habits? The things you know about yourself and wish you could change? Ever wonder what it would be like to be married to you? I once found a funny card that said, “Why do I put up with you?” On the inside, it said, “Oh yeah! Because you put up with me!” Weall have bad traits & habits. Finding ways to laugh and to find humor together in each of your quirks helps to soften irritations and offer each other grace.
Here’s how two (imperfect) people can enjoy their time together and (re)connect:
- Focus on the good. Make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate your spouse’s positive qualities. Gratitude shifts perspective.
- Laugh together. Humor is powerful—it softens irritations and helps you see quirks as endearing rather than annoying. Find something to laugh about together.
- Do something new together. Trying a new activity, even a small one, can reintroduce excitement and novelty into your relationship.
A thriving marriage isn’t about finding a “perfect” partner; it’s about choosing to cultivate appreciation, playfulness, and connection with the one you have.
You Feel Safe Revealing Your Authentic, Unfiltered Self
A thriving marriage isn’t just about companionship—it’s about feeling safe to be fully yourself with your spouse. It means sharing your thoughts, fears, and dreams at a level of transparency that surpasses any other relationship.
Just as physical intimacy involves revealing parts of yourself that are private to the rest of the world, emotional intimacy means allowing your spouse to see your innermost self. It’s about feeling safe enough to expose your raw, unfiltered emotions, knowing that you will be met with love, not judgment.
What does emotional safety look like in a marriage?
✅ You can be vulnerable without fear of criticism.
✅ You trust that your spouse won’t use your insecurities against you.
✅ You feel supported in both your strengths and your struggles.
✅ You can dream out loud—about life, goals, and the future—without feeling dismissed.
✅ You feel accepted for who you are, even as you both continue to grow.
In marriages where emotional safety is lacking, couples often struggle to share openly. This can lead to one or both partners holding back, avoiding difficult conversations, or even pretending to be someone they’re not to avoid conflict or rejection. This often happens when one person has a greater desire for personal growth where the other spouse does not. This can lead to one person feeling unworthy or even threatened by the other’s dreams and goals, leading his/her spouse to close off those parts of self to the other.
How to Build a Culture of Safety & Intimacy in Your Marriage
- Listen to understand. Whatever your spouse thinks, feels, or does makes sense given his/her past experiences and perceptions. Even if you don’t agree with it, try to understand what’s led them to where they are now. Whether they’re expressing a desire, an annoyance, or anything in between, try to understand them before trying to change them.
- Validate emotions, even if you don’t fully agree. Saying, “I can see why that upset you,” goes a long way in helping your spouse feel seen.
- Be mindful of your reactions. If your partner shares something vulnerable, do you respond with criticism, sarcasm, or dismissal? Or do you create space for honesty? A wise adage says, “Don’t ask a question unless you’re willing to hear the answer.” I remember working with a couple years ago, where the wife told her husband she was unhappy and wasn’t sure if their marriage could be “fixed.” Her chief complaint was that he “never opened up” to her. She explained that she wanted a deeper connection with meaningful conversations. But in the weeks that followed, each time her husband dared to speak up, she quickly diminished his thoughts and ideas. Sadly, she truly couldn’t see that her husband’s stonewalling was a result of years of disparagement and criticism.
- Encourage each other’s personal growth. A strong marriage supports both individual and shared goals. When you cheer each other on, you reinforce the idea that it’s safe to explore, learn, and evolve both together and individually. If you feel at all threatened by your spouse’s desires to grow, figure out what exactly is feeling threatened, and then share openly with your spouse and work together to strengthen your security in that area. For example, if your spouse’s new friendships make you uncomfortable, perhaps you’re afraid you’ll drift apart as they grow. Tell him your fears and discuss how you can ensure that your relationship stays strong regardless of what his other relationships are like!
- Create moments of connection. True intimacy is built in small, everyday moments—through deep conversations, short affectionate gestures, and quiet moments of understanding.
Feeling safe in your marriage doesn’t mean you’ll never argue or feel misunderstood. It means that even in difficult moments, there’s a foundation of trust and acceptance. You can be your real, unfiltered self, knowing that you are loved—not just for your best qualities, but for all of you.
You Connect & Communicate Regularly and Clearly
Communication is the lifeline of your marriage. It’s not just about talking—it’s about truly connecting. Without consistent and meaningful communication, even the strongest couples can drift apart.
Think about your daily interactions. Are your conversations mostly about logistics—who’s picking up the kids, what’s for dinner, bills that need to be paid? Or do you also make time to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences?
Signs of Strong Communication & Connection:
✅ You regularly talk about more than just responsibilities.
✅ You feel heard and understood by your spouse.
✅ You can discuss difficult topics without fear of an argument.
✅ You both make an effort to check in emotionally, not just physically.
✅ You enjoy meaningful conversations that strengthen your bond.
When communication is weak, misunderstandings grow, assumptions take over, and emotional distance sets in. But when communication is consistent and intentional, it builds trust, strengthens intimacy, and reinforces the idea that you’re a team.
Getting Personal: When Communication Misses the Mark:
Early in my marriage, I attended a weekend women’s conference out of town with my sister. I had talked about it with my husband months beforehand, wrote it on the calendar, and told him different things about our kid’s scheduled activities for the weekend before heading out Friday morning. So, when I called him from my hotel room that night and we finished talking about some of the speakers and things I’d learned that first day, I was a little dumb-founded when he said goodbye and casually asked, “So, what time will you be home tonight?” My brain hiccuped a bit while I sorted through in my mind, “Where does he think I am? Has he been listening at all? Why did he think I told him what the kids are doing tomorrow?”
Read on to see how we worked through the disconnection!
Quality Over Quantity
It’s not about talking more—it’s about talking intentionally. A five-minute heartfelt conversation can do more for your marriage than an hour of distracted small talk. Here’s how to enhance your connection:
✅ Check in daily.
Regular check-ins aren’t just about running through the day’s events—they’re about tuning in emotionally. A simple, “How are you feeling today?” invites a deeper response than “How was your day?” Even when life gets busy, a meaningful conversation at the end of the day strengthens your bond and reminds your spouse that they’re a priority.
✅ Put away distractions.
It’s easy to say, “I’m listening,” while scrolling through your phone or half-watching TV. But true connection happens when we give our full attention. The next time you talk with your spouse, try making eye contact, putting down devices, and focusing fully on what they’re saying. Setting your phone aside or ignoring the text chime while he’s speaking conveys “You’re important to me. I want to be here with you.”
✅ Use “I” statements.
This “rule” isn’t literally about starting your sentence with “I feel.” Rather, it’s about owning & expressing how you feel without blaming your spouse! By being vulnerable enough to share your thoughts and fears, you give your spouse the opportunity to know how you feel—and to empathize, clarify, and change that behavior if it’s not how he wants to show up.
Some different ways to express this is saying:
👉 “I feel_____ when_____.”
(“I feel unimportant when you forget my birthday.”)
👉 “When _____, I made that mean _____.”
(“When you walked away during our argument, I made it mean that you’re tired of our marriage and it’s not worth fighting for anymore.”)
👉 “When _____, the story I tell myself is _____.”
In my personal story above, I admit that it took me a bit before the intentional part of my brain kicked in! I was hurt and reactive in the moment, but then circled back the next night, when I had time to process how I was feeling. That night when I called, I shared openly how I felt about our miscommunication and explained, “Yesterday when you asked what time I’d be home, the story I was telling myself was that you didn’t care about me enough to remember I was going to be gone for an entire weekend.” He immediately apologized for forgetting that the conference was this weekend, and for not admitting that on the phone. He said he was embarrassed for not remembering something that important and that while he would miss me, he wanted me to enjoy myself. He laughed and added, “I knew when we met that you’re independent and do a lot on your own, so I didn’t want you to feel like I didn’t trust you or was being controlling by asking too many questions. Instead, I guess it came across like I didn’t care.”
That conversation clarified our intentions, deepened our understanding, and strengthened our connection.
✅ Practice active listening.
Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus fully on what your spouse is saying. A great way to do this is by paraphrasing what you heard:
👉 “So, you felt hurt when…”
This small but powerful habit helps prevent miscommunication and ensures that both of you feel heard and understood.
✅ Schedule regular time to connect.
A thriving marriage doesn’t happen by accident—it happens by design. Setting aside intentional time together, whether through date nights, morning coffee chats, or even short walks, keeps your connection strong. Prioritizing each other sends the message: “You matter to me.”
The Bottom Line?
Marriage thrives on intentional, meaningful connection. When you truly listen, share, and check in with your spouse, you create a relationship that feels safe, fulfilling, and unshakable—even through life’s busyness.
You Handle Conflict in a Healthy Way
Handling conflict well isn’t about avoiding disagreements. In fact, how often a couple has disagreements has little bearing on their divorce/success rate! Rather, it’s about staying connected and resolving them in a way that builds trust instead of resentment that matters.
Unhealthy Conflict Patterns:
🚫 Stonewalling: Shutting down, withdrawing and/or avoiding tough conversations, or physically walking away.
🚫 Defensiveness: Reacting with excuses or blame, often without fully hearing what is being said. As a remedy, address feeling of defensiveness head on:
➡ “I feel defensive right now. It seems like you’re thinking…”
Or, if you sense your partner is responding to you defensively:
➡ “Wait. What did I say that made you feel defensive?”
Healthier Conflict Resolution:
✔ Reframe with curiosity & empathy: Ask yourself, “What’s underneath this frustration? Is he feeling unheard, hurt, or disrespected?”
✔ Set boundaries: “The way you’re speaking to me is hurting our relationship. Let’s take a time-out and come back to this.”
You Are Growing Together—Emotionally, Spiritually, and Personally
A thriving marriage isn’t about spending every waking moment together—it’s about supporting each other’s individual growth while building a shared future. Strong couples encourage one another’s personal development, recognizing that a fulfilling relationship is made up of two whole, evolving individuals.
Balancing Individual & Shared Growth
✔ Personal Goals: A healthy marriage allows space for individual pursuits—whether it’s a career ambition, fitness journey, or creative hobby. Encouraging your spouse’s growth strengthens your bond, rather than threatening it.
✔ Shared Goals: Having dreams as a couple—whether financial, spiritual, or lifestyle-related—keeps you moving forward together. Are you actively working toward something as a team?
✔ Keeping Things Fresh: When each of you brings new experiences, perspectives, and passions into the relationship, it keeps things exciting. Supporting each other’s personal growth doesn’t create distance—it deepens connection.
A great marriage is one where you celebrate each other’s individuality while remaining united in your shared vision for the future.
Conclusion:
The strongest couples aren’t those who never struggle, but those who are committed to growing together. If you’ve recognized areas where your marriage could be stronger, that’s a good thing! Awareness is the first step toward change. Even small, consistent improvements can lead to deep, lasting transformation.
Change what you can today. Choose to be intentional, to communicate with love, and to keep investing in your relationship.
Next Step: Conversation Starter Prompts for Reflection
Growth starts with awareness. Take a few moments to reflect on your marriage with these guided journal prompts. Use them for personal insight or as conversation starters with your spouse.
Send me a message here with “Marriage Conversation Prompts” in the subject line and I’ll send them to you!
Your marriage is a journey, not a destination. By taking time to reflect and grow, you’re strengthening the foundation of your relationship—one intentional step at a time.