Love is both a noun and a verb.  I feel love for someone because of what I choose to think about them. Sometimes it’s easy to come up with thoughts that create love as an emotion.  Other times it’s much more challenging. It’s in those difficult relationships, I choose to remind myself that this person was created by God and deeply loved by Him. I choose to remember that there is much of this person’s story (what has led to their current behaviors and values) that I don’t know.

Love is an emotion.

Emotions are created by our thoughts.

Emotions are created by our thoughts.

Now let’s turn to an emotional favorite: joy.

She’s the little blue-haired, spit-fire character in Pixar’s movie Inside Out. In this entertaining and animated movie about how emotions and memories are created, the “emotions” that live as characters inside an 11-year old girl’s brain create feelings by choosing things for her to think about. And everyone loves “Joy.”

I’m certainly no exception.  It’s one of my favorite emotions (along with gratitude and curiosity) and it is completely rooted in the choice to be joy-filled in all circumstances. Psalm 16:11 tells us that joy comes from being in God’s presence. I think there’s something more though, that the psalmist assumes that we already know. Just being in God’s presence (a circumstance) isn’t enough for us to experience joy.

We can’t shake off God’s unconditional love or His presence. These two things are fundamental parts of God’s character and can’t be changed or influenced by us. Contrary to society’s message today, truth is not subjective; It’s true whether we believe it or not. We’re all created with autonomy (“free will”) to choose what we believe though, and this does impact our experience. 

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
~Proverbs 23:7 

If I focus on the circumstances in my life and let those determine my emotions, my life will be full of drastic highs and lows.  There isn’t anything wrong with this.  In fact, I often say that life is 50/50 positive and negative emotions (although not all for the same length of time, thankfully!). This is what makes life interesting. A life where we were happy all the time would get boring after a while. I wouldn’t feel broken-hearted after a loved one’s death if I hadn’t also experienced extreme love for them during their life.

Joy is an emotion unlike any other.
We can feel its presence even during painful negative emotions.
It’s this emotion both as an emotion and construct that girds us up consistently
regardless of the circumstance we find ourselves in.

Those who work with me say I “speak in models.”  By this, they mean that I show them repeatedly that how you think about your circumstances is what creates your emotions, and those emotions then drive your actions, bringing about the results you have (or want) in your life. The members of Rising Soul know this model well. They understand that the reason this is true is because God (the Trinity) is the back-drop of the model. He created us to be in Him. Not to compartmentalize who we are and where our “Christian beliefs” fit into our life. But rather, to see all things through the lens of a God who loves you, sees you, and desires a meaningful and personal relationship with you.

This.changes.everything.

It creates joy.

A joy that is bigger than our circumstance.

A joy that outlives us.

And the reason for that joy? It’s not a circumstance. (Remember, that’s not what creates feelings!)

When know God and center our life around Him and His love, we can’t not think about Him.

When we go through hard times, we know that we’re not alone. We choose to think on that.

When something is out of our control, we know that He is in control. We choose to think on that.

When we’re afraid and uncertain about the future, we know that God is working all things together for good. And we choose to think on that.

This knowledge of God and choice to center our thinking on Him allows us to experience the joy that’s only found in Him.

Now that’s something to think about. 😉

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The post Unconditional Joy appeared first on Rise Coaching.

I often have clients tell me that they don’t “feel” their feelings.  They prefer it this way, actually.  They’d prefer to eat them…or drink them…or shop them….you get the picture.

If that’s you, you’re in for a treat.

Today, I’m sharing three ways to process your emotion rather than eating all those left-over pieces of candy the Trick-or-Treaters didn’t touch.

Here are three tricks to processing emotion:

1. The trick is to treat your impulse/urge as a healthy adult.

When you catch yourself reaching for snacks/wine/Netflix absent-mindedly, stop and make a deal with yourself. “I can enjoy this treat fully if I choose to, but first  I’m going to process my emotion.”

2. The trick is to treat your emotions with intentional focus. 

Go somewhere without distractions and get in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and scan through your body.  What do you notice? Tightness in your chest? Racing heart? Shallow breath? Pins and needles across your shoulders?

Physiological sensations in the body like these are caused when our thinking releases neurotransmitters into our bloodstream.  As they travel through the body, they cause thousands (or billions in some cases!) of chemical reactions to occur, resulting in sensations that the brain labels as a feeling.

The better and faster you get at identifying them, the higher the odds of being able to address the thoughts causing them.

3. The trick is to treat your thoughts with curiosity.

As you observe your emotion in your body, you’ll likely begin to “hear” your thoughts as well.  Eavesdrop on your brain with a little curiosity, and without judgment.  What do you notice? What’s it offering you?

When we experience urges and impulses, the lower brain is the most active.  This what I call the “child” part of the brain…because in moments like these, it’s irrational and acts a bit like an overtired three year old throwing a tantrum on your front porch!  It will tell you anything to get what it wants.

“But I WANT it.”

“I deserve it.”

“My husband’s eaten three of them already.”

“If I don’t get one now, they’ll all be gone.”

“One won’t matter.”

What it probably won’t  tell you, is any of the logical things that are forward-thinking:
“This won’t help me reach that goal.”

“Laughing & running with my grandkids is more satisfying than 30 seconds of chewing on something.”

“If I eat one, I’ll likely eat five.”

“I can go to the store and buy one any time I want. It’s okay if they all get eaten.”

If eating/drinking/binging your feelings has become the norm for you, you may want to jot down the thoughts your brain offers up during an urge.

This way you can look at it again later when you’re feeling more balanced emotionally and in control of your actions.

(Remember, when emotion is high, logic is low!)

Look at each thought and assess whether they’re true.

Start a list of thoughts that are true, which you already believe (such as the ones above), and read them regularly to remind yourself and strengthen that belief.

If you need some extra help believing new things, check out this blog post to learn more.

Need even more help with that?

If you’re new to “feeling” things or want help gaining control of your emotions and urges, I’d be happy to help. Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation call with me and I’ll show you how coaching can help you gain control of your mind and behaviors so you can step into the life you were created for.

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The post 3 Steps to Process Emotion (Halloween Style) appeared first on Rise Coaching.

To challenge themselves.

To see what’s possible.

To offer something to others

…..the list goes on.

But of all the reasons I hear from clients, there is one that waves a red flag every time it’s spoken: to find happiness or contentment.

You may wonder, “What’s wrong with that? Don’t we all want to be happy?” Of course.  And yet… chasing happiness never works.  Because generally speaking, life is made up of 50/50 positive and negative emotions.  Certainly they’re not equally weighted, but we do experience a fair mixture of both in constant rotation.  “There” will not be better than “here”.   Take, for example, someone who sets out to lose weight, imagining that her life will be insta-amazing when she hits her goal. She pictures walking confidently, feeling proud as friends compliment her.  While these things may happen, what she fails to imagine is the “mean girl glances” and judgement she’ll get from others.  Negative comments from women who choose not to make healthy choices, and who gossip about her, leaving her feeling hurt.  Reaching our goals will bring some happiness, but it will also bring a different set of problems and emotions with it as well. This leaves us constantly setting our sights on the “next” thing that we think will provide all-things-good, so will instead leave us disappointed and unfulfilled.

Please know that I’m not saying pursuing your goals is a bad thing or a waste of time.  I’m always  pursuing several goals simultaneously.  I enjoy it and do feel happiness while pursuing goals, but that’s not the purpose of it.   I’m content now, and know I will be content when I’ve achieved the goal, and all along the journey.  AND I know that the path will also include its fair share of negative emotion too.  There will be times I’ll feel like giving up, and days I’ll feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and confused. But I know that’s just part of the process.

Few things worth accomplishing are easily done without negative emotion.

At a work shop this week, I helped a group of women set goals and then map out their journey from where they are now, to the fulfillment of a dream.  They made a drawing of their “current self” and their “future self” with all the stepping stones (objectives) they’ll need to take to get there.  They laughed and groaned when I labeled the gap in between their current and future reality as “the River of Misery.”  They groaned because it sounds awful, and laughed because they knew it was a good description of what’s ahead!

Last week I shared that I ended my office lease and moved all of my furniture back home to my home office.  I had reached the goal of increasing my number of clients and moving to all on-line coaching and counseling sessions.  It was a goal I had set long ago.  I feel proud of the accomplishment. I feel grateful for the business growth that made it possible.  And I also felt a sense of sadness as I turned off the light and shut the door for the last time.  The road to get here included excitement, disappointment, fear and so much more.  And it was worth every ounce of emotion.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t add that we were all created with an internal desire for contentment and joy.  These are not wrong, bad, or sinful.  They were created in us by the Creator Himself. But of all the things this world offers and tries to sell us on as ways to fulfill these needs, Jesus is the only thing that offers a permanent joy that’s not contingent on our circumstances, pursuits or accomplishments.  When we put Him at the center of our lives and being, our pursuits and goals naturally align with His heart.

If you’ve got a dream you’ve been focused on, take a minute to pause and consider your purpose for pursuing it.  How do you imagine you’ll feel when accomplish it? What will be different and what will be the same?  What may you feel when you accomplish the goal that you can also choose to feel now-ahead of time?  Once you’re clear on your “why”, and certain that you’re not just chasing happiness, then full steam ahead!  I’m cheering you on.

With Grit & Grace

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The post The Worst Reason to Pursue a Goal appeared first on Rise Coaching.

This is the third of a series introducing the concepts of the model (see bottom left) that I use to coach clients.  Today we’re stepping into the second line: “Thoughts”.  So far, we’ve learned how to separate your circumstance from your thoughts and why that’s important.   We also learned that circumstances are neutral.  Today, I’ll expound on the concept that:
It’s our thoughts about a circumstance (and not the circumstance itself) that create our feelings (whether positive or negative).

Usually when I tell client’s this for the first time, they have the same response.  They tilt their head slightly and then fall silent, with perplexed expression while considering its validity.  They know this on a cognitive level, but in the moment, it doesn’t feel  true.  Part of this is due to our culture, and part of it is from our well-meaning caregivers who intended to teach us empathy and manners.  All our lives we’ve heard things like:

“Did she hurt your feelings?”  “You’re making mommy upset.”  “It made me so mad!”   In fact, when Eleanor Roosevelt told us that no one could make us feel inferior without our consent, America was shocked by this new revelation and quoted her in the history books!  The idea is still challenged today-every time we blame our circumstance for how we feel.  The fact that it’s not the circumstance, but rather our thoughts about it that are making us feel “bad” is actually the best.news.ever.  Because if it’s the circumstance that’s making us feel bad, we’re out of luck.

The only chance we would have of feeling better would be to change the circumstance. Which usually means changing someone else. By the time people see a coach, they’ve already been trying to change the circumstance (including other people) with no success. But if it is in fact your thoughts that are making you feel bad, you’ve just regained all your power, my friends. It means you are not a victim to your feelings. You now understand where they are coming from, which is also the key to how to change them.

So are we just supposed to change our thoughts to feel good about everything? Absolutely not.  We don’t want to feel good about everything.  A parent who loses a child does not want to feel good about his/her death.  (Although even this is an assumption on my part.  I can comprehend how a parent who has watched their child fight a lifelong battle with a terminal illness may feel relieved and comforted knowing their child is finally at peace in heaven.)  I also believe that “negative” emotions such as guilt serve a useful purpose and are not to be avoided.  Tomorrow we’ll delve into “Feelings”, but for now,  just recognize that thoughts are what cause our feelings, and those thoughts are optional.

Application Building off the application exercise from yesterday, list each of the thoughts you have about the circumstance that you’re struggling with.  Again, use bullet-point format to keep your thoughts concise.  List as many thoughts you have about it as possible.  As I say to my clients, “Tell me everything.”   When you’ve finished your list, try to loosen the bolts on the thoughts your brain is holding so tightly.  How might someone else think about this circumstance?  Try to think of even one person who would have a different view-who wouldn’t be phased by your circumstance and write down what you imagine he/she might think.     

We ALL get tripped up by our thoughts.
To prove it, I’ll share my recent mind drama when I spent an entire day creating videos for my coaching clients. I’d written the content, researched & downloaded the software, tested my sound and camera, and shot 3 1/4 videos when my screen froze and a rude message indicated my (4 month-old!) hard drive was out of space. To beat that, my mic. had stopped working halfway through the first one. When I met with my coach the next day, she got what I thought was an objective report of what had happened. “I”m just so frustrated by the technology!” Did you catch it? Because of my circumstance. 

First, she asked for the facts: “I made 3 videos without sound and am out of hard drive space.” Then she asked, “So what?”  I told her that “The tech keeps hanging me up.  It’s causing all these delays and costing me time.”  She asked what our master coach probably thinks when her technology doesn’t work as planned.  I thought for a bit and then imagined: “I’ll figure it out.  I’ve figured out lots of tech. already. I don’t need the videos.  I can just teach the content in their sessions. The videos are just a bonus.  With all the videos and content I’m creating, I should probably get an external drive anyway.” And then my coach asked me two questions that made me laugh out loud:  “Could you record the videos without a mic.?”  (That hadn’t even crossed my mind.  I was too focused on what I’d planned to see what was possible.)  And my personal favorite, “What if this is exactly how you learn technology?” Mind. Blown.  Of course.  We can’t learn anything without the learning process. We’ve never done anything until we do it for the first time.  Nothing has gone wrong here.

  A final thought to borrow When I get really stuck believing a circumstance is negative & causing my feeling, this is my favorite thought: “God’s got this. I’m only seeing the underside of the tapestry He’s weaving, but He’s got a much clearer view & is working all things together for good.

Not sure how to apply this to your own life? Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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The post Thoughts Create Feelings appeared first on Rise Coaching.

The post Indulging in Negative Emotion appeared first on Rise Coaching.

Think about the last five things you did or didn’t do. Ask yourself why you did or didn’t do them and keep asking why until you get to the core reason.  I think you’ll find that everything we do or don’t do is either to feel something or avoid feeling something.  But only every time.

I sipped my coffee this morning so I’d feel awake.  I held my husband’s hand while doing my morning devotions so I could feel love.  I spent time with Jesus to feel connected to Him.  I’m writing my blog this morning before heading into my counseling office so that I can spend time with my husband this evening planning a trip to Boston.  Why?  So I can feel the excitement and relaxation that I’ll experience there.

This life is full of wonderful experiences and emotions that we have access to every day.  It was created in perfection, but of course, things changed early on, when sin entered the world.  Regardless of how it happened, our world is now full of both positive & negative, and this includes our emotions.  Some things are designed to feel negative.  When we do something that goes against God’s will for our life, we feel guilt.  This is just one example of the internal friction that exists when what we do or say goes against who we were created to be.  Negative emotion can be an internal sign of incongruence which needs to be addressed.  When this is the case, it would best serve us to make a change, rather than changing the emotion!

But other times, negative emotion is just part of the human experience.  Marriage, parenting, and employment are all wonderful things, and they involve both positive and negative emotions.  Without bad times, we wouldn’t appreciate the good.  Without having boredom as a contrast, we wouldn’t have the thrill of excitement.  And no matter what we do, we will always have both.  Some people hate the percentage of half here.  They say “my life is better than that” (or worse!)  Ironically, the better we get at accepting the negative emotion, the better our life seems to feel. 

Why does it matter?
We often make decisions because we think “there” will feel better than “here”.

But the truth is, “there” will still have a 50/50 mix of emotions. 

We think we’ll be happier when we make $100k, lose that 30 pounds, get that promotion, get married, have children, retire….the list goes on. Allowing the negative, and trusting in His greater plan allows us to make decisions for the right reasons. It means choosing to lose weight because you value your health and want to keep up with the littles in your life.  It means choosing to increase your salary so you can give more, employ more people, live debt-free, and be a steward of even more wealth. 

When you “arrive” at your goal, you’ll feel positive emotions, but you will also feel equally negative emotions about different things.  Losing weight may include feeling deprived of your cravings at times, isolation from others who are envious, etc.  That promotion or raise may involve feeling judged by others who make assumptions about your motives.

When we learn how to allow negative emotions and accept them as part of our experience, we suffer less.  There is no circumstance that God can’t meet us in.  True joy comes from trusting God in every circumstance, knowing that nothing can snatch you from His hand and that no matter where you go or what you feel, He’s got you.

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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The post Life is 50/50 (Positive & Negative Emotion) appeared first on Rise Coaching.

I listened to my thoughts that day.  I felt as though I was on autopilot. I had tunnel vision as I quickly walked to the back of the store and felt I was supposed to be quiet and wait. “Wait for what?!”  This all happened in a matter of seconds but felt like slow motion.  I didn’t notice how “frozen” everything was around me….until the atmosphere broke.  Suddenly everyone sprang into action and started talking at once.  “Did anyone call the police?”  “Did you see which way he went?” “Everyone, just stay inside!”  (I get goosebumps even now while recalling it all!)  The store had just been robbed at gunpoint.  I do not recall seeing anything unusual outside.  I don’t know if I passed him as I entered, or what triggered the avalanche of thoughts that started in the parking lot.   But clearly, my brain had picked up on something that I did not.

The amygdala is an almond-shaped set of neurons that act as the “watchdog” of your brain.  When it senses danger, it sounds the alarm to the lower brain, which releases chemicals into the bloodstream and orchestrates the body swinging into action (much like the moment in the Dollar Store when everyone suddenly came to life!).  The human brain is amazing, isn’t it?

Often times, we react to things without an awareness of what’s happening within us.  While my external awareness that day was pretty clueless, my internal body was in full defense, ready to protect.  You’ve likely heard it said before that the amygdala doesn’t know the difference between physical and emotional danger.  Its initial quick reaction is the same (until the prefrontal cortex kicks in with its reasoning). While this helps us survive, it also causes problems in our social life.   When your spouse says something that feels like an emotional attack, you react defensively–quickly snapping back, without pausing to process what was said (let alone what was meant!)  While the brain is predisposed to defend, we are not at its mercy when it comes to our responses.  With time and awareness, we can strengthen the neural pathways between the lower brain (fight/flight) and the PFC (where all the logic is at).  The first step is increasing your awareness of emotion in the body.  In the moment, remind yourself to stop and take some deep breaths before responding.  Getting oxygen to the brain will support the “rational” part of the brain to come back on-line.  But practicing the following techniques will also train your brain for the future so you’re able to remind yourself that you’re not actually being attacked, and a defense is not warranted.

Body Scan

Sit or lay in a relaxed position and imagine a laser slowly scanning your body from head to toe.  Imagine the laser is connected to a high tech system that is able to register what’s happening within your body in a very detailed way.   Temperature, texture, pressure, color, etc.

Shot of Emotion

Imagine I have a syringe and before giving you a shot, I explain that I’m giving you a shot of emotion which you will feel in your body.  As it travels through your bloodstream, you will experience the chemical reactions it causes, and it will dissipate in 90 seconds.  Imagine that you’ll be asked to write a detailed report labeling and describing the emotion when it has metabolized out of your bloodstream.

Thought Work

Run some models!  While it’s our thoughts that create our feelings, sitting with our emotions often helps people connect with the thought that preceded it.  As shown above, sometimes the lower brain responds to a circumstance so quickly that we aren’t even consciously aware of the thought we had that caused it!  Once you recognize the thought (or several) that caused the feeling, self-coaching can help you decide if the way you’re looking at the circumstance is factual or just a narrative that you’ve created.  

Once you separate your thoughts from facts and assess whether your thoughts are helpful, you can decide whether you want to keep or change them, so you’re more intentional in your responses, rather than reactive!

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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The post Decreasing Defensiveness appeared first on Rise Coaching.

I’m often asked what I mean by “feeling” and how this differs from emotions and sensations.  I’ll explain them in a simplified way and explain why it matters.  You’ll also see how knowing this information can help you quench negative emotion in a healthy way and go after your goals and dreams.

Sensations
Sensations are physiologically created and sensed in the body first, then registered by the brain, causing a thought.  In other words, they start in the body and then go to the brain.  Examples of this would hunger, thirst, pain, temperature, etc.  If a bee stings me on the elbow, my brain senses the pain in my elbow and then creates a thought “OUCH! That hurt!”  Trauma (and other things) can confuse the issue though, when it seems that the sensations come from body to brain, rather than brain to body.  One could argue that the thought still came first on a subconscious
Emotions Emotions are also experienced physiologically in the body, but as a result of (after) a thought. (Another way of saying this: Emotions are created by a thought in the  brain, and then felt in the body.)  An example would be thinking the thought “Oh my gosh, everyone’s staring at me!” which creates a rush of neurotransmitters (chemicals) into the blood stream, which creates millions of chemical reactions in the body, leading to physiological “symptoms” such as shallow and quick breathing, a racing heart, tightness in the throat and chest, flushing in the face, etc.
Feelings Feelings occur completely cognitively, in the brain.  They are the words your brain uses to label the emotions that are felt in the body.  In the above (“emotions”) example, the brain labels the emotion as “embarrassment” or something similar.  It’s important to note that feelings are one word.  Often, when I ask a client how they’re feeling, they reply with a sentence, which is an indication that they are sharing a thought rather than a feeling. 
Why it Matters Because we live in a society where feelings and the expression of them are not openly accepted, we get really good at suppressing them-even from a young age.  Over time, this does more damage than good.  I liken it to holding a beach ball underwater.  After a doing this for any substantial length of time, it gets exhausting and the emotion starts “popping up” when and where we don’t want it to.  We lose control over the emotion this way, whereas if we were to let a little air out of that ball on occasion, it would likely be much easier to deal with. 

When emotions are ignored and suppressed, they can become overwhelming.

Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor states that it takes less than 90 seconds for emotions to run their full cycle and complete its circuitry.  This means if we can sit with our emotion and allow/notice/watch it non-judgmentally, its affects will dissipate in a less than two minutes!  This usually begs the suspicious question from clients, “Then how come I feel anxious for an hour at a time?” The answer is simple: Because you continue ruminating on the thoughts that are causing the neurotransmitters to be released in the body!

Application The next time you notice yourself having a strong emotion, allow yourself to sit with it and observe quietly.  Identify the feeling, and then imagine that a nurse has just injected you with a shot of that feeling, saying “You’ll feel the affects of this for 90 seconds max.” Imagine you’re going to write a report to describe the emotion when you’re finished. Get that clear on the experience and describe it with as much detail as possible.  Color Temperature Texture (pins & needles, butterflies) Pressure (heavy, lightness, openness, closed off) Check your muscle tension, heart pace, breathing depth and pace   Over time, you’ll start to see that the worse we experience in this life is a negative emotion, and they’re not really as bad as our brains have built them up to be!  Once we get really good at processing emotion, it loses its power over us.  Which is a very good thing because many exciting risks we’ll take in life (like buying a car, changing jobs, starting a business) involve taking risks, which is guaranteed to have plenty of negative emotion!  You’ve got this.  After all, you weren’t given a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control.  It’s all part of the process of creating the life you were created for.

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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The post Emotions & Feelings & Sensations (Oh, My!) appeared first on Rise Coaching.

This is the 5th in a series introducing the concepts of the Model (see photo below) that I use when coaching clients. So far you’ve learned how to separate your circumstances from your thoughts about them. You’ve learned that circumstances are neutral, and that our thoughts create our feelings. Yesterday, learned how to process your feelings, which is important, because they are what drives our actions! Today, I’ll show you how.

We’re at an exciting place in this series, because it’s where all the pieces of the model I use for coaching (even the line we haven’t spent time on yet) all come together! 

Our feelings drive our actions (which might  be inaction or reaction).

Why is this important? Because if you want to “show up” differently in your life, you’re going to need to access the feeling that drove your behavior. Let me show you with a (rather embarrassing) personal example. Before learning these coaching tools, I often found myself in a frustrating cycle with my husband. It went like this: I’d get home from work and start chatting to him about my day. He’d say something like “uh-huh” (if anything!) and leave the room.

I would think “He’s mad. Our whole night’s going to be ruined.” Feeling anxious, I would ask him repeatedly “Are you mad at me?” And every time he’d say no, I’d insist, “I can tell you are. What did I do?” (I know! Annoying, right?) This would go on until I was angry with him, as well as with myself. (Who wants to act that needy?) Inevitably, the night would be ruined. I truly believed his behavior made me anxious. But we know that’s not how the model works. Circumstances don’t cause our feelings; our thoughts about the circumstance do!

Here’s what that looks like in a model:   Circumstance: My husband said “uh-huh” in response to me, and left the room. Thought: “He’s mad. Our night’s going to be ruined.” Feeling: Anxious Action:  Repeatedly ask if he’s mad and why, don’t believe his answer, accuse him of not being honest and open with me. Result: I cause an argument & tension, am angry with him and myself. (Notice the connection to the Thought line above…. I thought he’s mad and I ended up angry!)   My brain uses this result as proof of what it already believed to be true (my original thought) that he’s angry and the night would be ruined. Most likely, you already know this information on a cognitive level.    You’ve probably seen this play out for yourself many times, and may have heard the model referred to as a “self fulfilling prophecy” (meaning your thoughts and actions create the very thing you don’t want). Neuroscience states:  “what you focus on grows” and “what you think about,  you bring about”.  Science explains that “what fires together wires together”.  This is speaking specifically to what happens to the neurons in the brain when we continue to think the same thoughts (and therefore feel the same feelings, and behave the same way repeatedly).   Intentional Models The above model is what I call an “Unintentional Model”, which means it’s how an event played out due to lack of  awareness of my thoughts in the moment.  Now let’s look at an Intentional Model- how differently that evening could have turned out, had I known then what I know now. Circumstance: My husband said “uh-huh” in response to me, and left the room. Thought: “That’s not like him; something’s up.” Feeling: Curious Action:  Give him space.  When we’re together again ask if he heard me before and say “You seem distracted.  Is everything okay?”  Believe him and give space till he feels like talking.
Result: I provide a space that feels open to talking when/if he wants. I recognize that something’s off without making it mean something about ME or US. My brain uses this result as proof of what it already believed to be true (my original thought)   Application There’s actually countless layers to the model and how it can be applied to help you regulate your thoughts, feelings, and actions.  (And of course there’s a huge difference between reading about it and applying it!)  But I’d recommend starting here.  When you recognize that you’re having a strong emotional reaction to something, practice filling all the lines of the model.  

1. Circumstance: Identify the circumstance in a neutral and factual way.
2. Thought: Separate your thought from the circumstance.  (The circumstance happened. Ask yourself “So what?”)
3. Feeling: Don’t rush this one!  Allow yourself to feel the physiological sensation in your body. Identify the feeling (one word) and get familiar with what it actually feels like. Be able to describe it.
4. Action: Ask yourself, “How am I likely to “show up” or act if I take action while feeling this way?” (Are you happy with your answer?)
5. Result: Ask yourself, “If keep thinking (X) and feeling (Y), and act (Z), what’s the likely result?

  Here’s a catch!  Try not to think of the “result” for anyone other than yourself.  In my example above, my husband’s response to my action is not in my control.  So when looking at the result I want, it needs to be about me (since that’s the only person I can control).    Remember, the point of this work is not to “be okay with everything” or to just “think positive thoughts”!  We’re learning the basics here, but I promise we’ll get there!

In the meantime, if you want help applying this to your own circumstance, or are wrestling with any of the concepts taught so far, I’d love to chat with you!

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The post And…Action! (Which is Driven by Feelings) appeared first on Rise Coaching.

I often share with clients that everything we do/don’t do is to feel a feeling or avoid feeling a feeling.  It’s all about the feelings.  Whether it’s avoiding a confrontation or watching a scary movie.  We know what feelings we want and don’t want.  When we set goals, it’s usually because of how we think we’ll feel when we reach it.  We think “there” will somehow feel better than “here.”  The reality is, that while some things will feel better “there”, there will have a new set of circumstances, which you’ll have new thoughts about- some negative and some positive.  Wherever you go, there will always be a mix of positive and negative emotion.

Life consists of a mixture of 50/50 positive and negative emotion. Negative emotion includes discomfort and pain (both emotional and physical.)  This is part of the human experience.  Is this by God’s design?  You could argue that it’s not.  That everything was perfect in Eden until we messed it up, so this is not how it’s “supposed to be”.  Or you could argue that God created us with a thinking brain that’s capable of thinking about what we think about, allowing us free will.  And because He is all-knowing, He knew there would be “negative” things in the world, but also had a plan to use those things to help shape, grow, and stretch us, and to draw into a loving relationship with Him.  Scripture tells us that perseverance leads to maturing in our faith and develops our character.  Jesus himself said that we’ll have trouble in this world and we can have peace in Him. 

A negative thought will never create a positive feeling, action, or result.This is another rule of the model (and remember, the model just represents how things work in this world).   We all know that humiliating a child does not make him motivated to change.  But some clients have argued that thinking they’re fat made them go to the gym.  I never believe them.  When I show them what really happened their eyes are opened.  I show them how when they thought “I’m fat”, they felt bad and didn’t like that feeling, so they changed the thought to something more positive (like “I could change it if I started working out though”) and felt motivated (a positive feeling) and went to the gym.
So when Jesus said we’ll have hard times in this world and have peace (a positive feeling), how is that possible?  The answer is through our thoughts.  Have you ever noticed that when we have discomfort and resist it, we suffer even more?  First let’s look at this from a spiritual standpoint.  As Christians, when we resist reality (whatever is), our thoughts reflect that “something has gone wrong” and God is not in control of the situation.  I used to wrestle with this often (and still do at times because I’m still pretty human) because my thought was “But this isn’t what God wants.”  What I temporarily forget in those moments of resistance, is that even if this wasn’t God’s plan, He’s still fully in control and working all things together for good.  (I believe in free will, meaning He shows us His way but allows us to decide whether we obey and/or live in Him.)

Now let’s look at it through a neuroscience lens.  The primitive part of our brain was created to keep us safe.  It’s the part that tells us, “turn back” and “let’s just stay home”.  This survival part of the brain is only interested in what it wants right now (survival).  Even more important, it does not know the difference between emotional discomfort and physical discomfort.  It wants to avoid both!   When I use the term “discomfort” I’m referring to a wide range of “negative emotions” from unease to pain.   Get an Emotional Workout Imagine a friend telling you they want to buff up & build muscle…without using weights.  You’d think they were joking, right?  “No-I just really want to skip that part.  I hate when my muscles ache and I don’t want to be sore.  I just want to be toned.”  It would be obvious that your friend’s plan is flawed.  Because muscles can’t build without tearing first.  It’s literally the healing process that causes them to grow.  By avoiding the workout, you inevitably avoid the muscle growth as well. 

Mental health works the same way, yet most people avoid feeling discomfort at all costs!  We want to feel better by avoiding feeling discomfort.  So we “buffer” from negative emotion by distracting, over-eating, over-drinking, binging on Netflix or social media.  Anything to avoid “feeling the feels”.   (Don’t believe me? Next time you’re waiting in a line, look around.  How many people are allowing the discomfort vs. scrolling on their phones?)  This is a large portion of the work that I do both as a therapist and life coach.  I help people “feel better” by doing two things:

1- Showing them their thoughts (the cause of feelings) 2- Teaching them how to feel discomfort, rather than trying to avoid it.When I catch clients “trying to pull it together” rather than allowing their emotion, I often joke that the work they do with me is like a workout at the gym–the worse they look during, the better they’ll be after.  (Ever tried a hard workout while keeping your hair & makeup perfectly done?  Yeah-how helpful was that workout?)   Application So what’s your workout plan?  I’ll give you one that you won’t find on Pinterest.  The next time you have a strong emotion and are able to break away and find some privacy, close your eyes and really feel the feeling.  Identify the emotion as soon as you’re able. (A feeling/emotion is one word. Any more than that is a thought-not a feeling.)  Then allow and take note of the physical sensations in your body that accompany the feeling.  For example, when I feel anxious I feel a flutter in my stomach, tightness in my chest and heat in my neck & shoulders.  Brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor says that it takes 90 seconds for the chemicals which cause the physiological sensations of emotion to metabolize out of our body. Just a minute and a half!  (Unless we continue the negative thinking, which will continue the cycle.)  This takes practice.  Just as your physical health doesn’t improve with one trip to the gym, your mental health will also take time to improve.  Noticing the difference between how fear and anxiety feel.  But also learn the difference between confidence and excitement.  All  feelings serve a purpose.  And recognizing them by the sensations they cause is the first step toward discipline and growth.  More on that to come!

In the meantime, if you want help applying this to your own circumstance, or are wrestling with any of the concepts taught so far, I’d love to chat with you!

schedule it now

The post Feel ALL the feels appeared first on Rise Coaching.