This all sounds pretty straight-forward until it comes to putting philosophy into practice!

A neighbor loses their job for the third time this winter.

A teen gets a speeding ticket he can’t afford to pay.

A friend gets pulled over after a few too many glasses of wine and asks you to come pick her up.

Your child gets caught cheating at school and is given a harsh consequence.

An addict becomes homeless.

Do you offer grace, or is that just enabling their bad behavior?  What’s the difference between the two? For most of us, the closer the relationship to the person, the murkier that line becomes. Let’s start with a few definitions.

The entire Christian faith is built on grace, mercy and forgiveness.
So is there really such a thing as “enabling” others?

Grace: Undeserved favor, blessing or restoration

Mercy: Offering forgiveness despite having just cause to prosecute a wrong committed. 

Helping: Assisting someone in doing something that they’re unable to do for themselves.

Enabling: Doing something for someone that could do for themselves with effort, sacrifice and determination.

Helping often involves accompanying someone and walking through things together, so they can learn how to do for themselves.  This is another place that unconditional love comes in.  Love is a verb. It takes action. Sometimes exhausted and frustrated action, because (thankfully) God never gives up on us and tells us anything is possible. Any heart can be changed. Any person can be healed and set free.  This is hardest when a person’s actions (such as abusing substances) have created mental illness, leaving them incapable of doing things that they were once able to do.  As frustrating as these times may be, we are called to love and help to the extent that is needed in order for them to regain the ability to care for themselves.

The answer is found in the sweet spot where grace and guidance intersect.

This grace is an unconditional love that shows forgiveness and mercy every time they are truly sorry and make serious attempts to change their behavior and circumstances. Sound exhausting? It is! But the eternal view is counter cultural.  (See Matthew 18:21-22.)

Jesus was the greatest example of this to ever live. He spoke the (often hard) truth in love, despite how painful it may have been for the person to hear. The conviction we feel in our soul when we‘re living out of alignment with the life God created us for is almost always humbling and uncomfortable. Jesus loved these people enough to allow them to feel discomfort then so they could experience the eternal freedom He offers to all.  And when he finished loving on each of them, He clearly stated his expectation: “go and sin no more.” (Not “Keep doing what you’re doing—there’s more forgiveness where that came from!”)

…even though, of course, there is.

Why we enable others

Few who enable others have bad intentions. In fact, the primary reason for enabling someone is to shelter them from the pain and discomfort that their own actions have brought on themselves. Furthermore, we don’t take a stand or say what needs to be lovingly said, because we don’t want them to feel angry, judged or any other negative emotion. So we shut up and answer their requests (often while hating ourselves for doing so!)

This misguided “act of love” fails to recognize that loving someone without setting healthy boundaries in order to nurture growth, responsibility, and the ability to be self-sufficient isn’t love at all. Loving means being willing to do the hard thing so someone else can step into who God created them to be, while enabling may mean we’re interfering with the lesson God is trying to teach, in order to help our loved one out of long term pain!

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” ~Hebrews 12:11

The second reason we enable others is surprisingly (and often unconsciously) out of selfish motives.

Just as we don’t want the person we care about to experience negative feelings, we don’t want to feel them either! It can be excruciating watching someone we love repeat a lesson that they haven’t yet learned despite “hitting rock bottom” several times. It’s hard on us! We don’t want to feel the anxiety that accompanies conflict and difficult conversations.  We don’t want to risk the person’s anger or damage to the relationship.

But notice, that while completely understandable, these are selfish motives. They put our own desires ahead of the needs of someone else. We allow their future to continue to be at risk, so that we can feel better now.

Unconditional love does not mean blessings without boundaries!

I’ve heard many people use the story of the Prodigal Son to validate enabling others. But notice the order of this story. The father gave his son his inheritance (blessings) before he made poor choices that caused him trouble. Then the son messed up. And finally, Dad’s forgiveness and grace came after the son became remorseful and had changed his behavior. When this irresponsible man-boy returned to his father, apologetic and wanting to change, he was met with open arms. His father never stopped loving him, but this doesn’t mean that he would have dished out money to clean up the mess he’d made. Jesus gives us undeserved rights to his inheritance too. (We’ve done nothing to deserve such a reckless love and blessings.) But not until we acknowledge our mistakes and express our intention to live in alignment with His heart.  True-we’re not perfect from that point on. But He knows our hearts and intentions. He corrects us when we go astray and doesn’t allow less from us than He knows we’re capable of. 

So that sweet spot of grace and guidance? It’s love and grace.

Not either/or.

It’s both/and.

Grace and guidance…without enabling bad behavior.

Because that one thing that helps separate enabling from grace is whether the person has stopped the behavior and is making a heartfelt effort to improve.

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The post Grace or Enabling? (The 1 Thing That Makes all the Difference) appeared first on Rise Coaching.

The day I left the hospital with my new baby girl, the nurse handed me a diaper bag full of samples of formula & diapers, and a manual:  “What to Expect the First Year.”  Do not be fooled.  This is no “helpful care package”.  This is to lull you into a false sense of security so that you will not panic when you get home and realize what you’ve gotten yourself into, or worse yet- when you realize that the “What to Expect” series mysteriously ends at adolescence. (There’s an epilogue that states this in very fine print, followed by “Best of Luck”.)  Ahhhh… I jest.

As a mom of two (now young adults), there were plenty of times I reacted to them in irritation, frustration, and even tears at times.  I remember thinking on several occasions, “First Year, my arse! Where’s the manual for this?!”  As hard as it is helping teens manage their emotions, it’s almost impossible to do it while attempting to manage your own. I wish I knew then what I know now.  I had no awareness of how often I was parenting from a messy place, let alone having the tools needed to clean up my thinking.  The model I now use with clients helped me see that when I viewed my circumstances as “facts”, rather than “thoughts”, they triggered feelings in me that negatively affected my parenting.  Furthermore, I thought their behavior was causing my feelings. I had no idea that much of this was optional and wasn’t helping me (or my kids!) at all.  

Messy parenting creates messes 

Many of the times I thought I was “protecting” my kids were actually attempts to control them so I could feel something (or avoid feeling something). But this was never their job.  This wasn’t intentional by any means.  When I saw them doing things that could lead down a dangerous path, I operated out of fear.  When I interpreted their
actions as “disrespectful”, I felt disrespected and angry, which then caused me to show up in a similar manner myself.  Cleaning up your thinking before disciplining or reacting to your kids improves your parenting, increases your confidence, and gives you back your power by helping you take responsibility for your thoughts & feelings. 

You’ve likely heard the phrase, “When emotion is high, logic is low.”  By reducing the intensity of your emotions and operating from a useful thought, you’re able to “show up” in a way that’s not only more logical but also helps your kids learn and apply logic to their own circumstances.

So what exactly is clean parenting and what does it look like?

Clean parenting means you’re able to interact with, teach and discipline from a calm state. It means being intentional rather than reactive. It’s evidenced by your tone, attitude, language, and other behavior. It’s not having a manual for your children (This doesn’t mean no expectations/consequences!) It involves influencing your kids while recognizing you can not control them.  I’m five-foot-nothing, so my kids outgrew me by the age of two. The reality is we can’t make or prevent humans from doing anything! We can allow them to experience the consequences of their choices.

Cleaning up your act
The best place to start when cleaning up your thinking and moving into conscious parenting is by self-coaching. Realize when you’re blaming your feelings on your circumstance, rather than your thinking.  The goal is certainly not to accept or be “happy” about everything your child/teen does. (Can you imagine what you’d create if you had no rules, expectations, or consequences?)  When we’re clean parenting we still discipline and give consequences, but only after we’ve cleaned up our thoughts.  Never while still in negative thoughts or emotion. Because negative thinking never produces a positive result. A book that I highly recommend is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. While some of the language and examples are outdated, it’s an impressive example of clean parenting long before that was a notion!  It also demonstrates how to empower your children by showing them you believe in them enough to allow them to handle whatever they mess create-in a way that’s loving and supportive, without rescuing.

Remember that results don’t lie.  If you think you have clean (healthy) thoughts about your kids or parenting but have a result that shows things are not going well, that’s evidence of a blind-spot (or several)!  If that’s the case, working one-on-one with a coach can help you see how your thinking is not creating the results that you want, and help get you back on track. We all have blind-spots, and there’s no shame in asking for help from someone who can see them from a different perspective.  Even though my “kids” are adults, there are still times I ask my coach for help when my emotion is high, because I know it’s a sign of some messy thinking that I’m not seeing. 

Whether you’re changing course for the first time, or need to make a correction to get back on track, give yourself a little grace.  You will still get it wrong on a regular basis and for sure you’ll experience 50/50 positive/negative emotion.  But nothing has gone wrong here.  This is all part of the journey.  Clean parenting is not perfect parenting, because that doesn’t exist. (You’ll be searching for that unicorn even longer than the What to Expect Teen edition!

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

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During the short 18 years we invest in our kids before they head off into the world, it’s our job to work ourselves out of a job.  If we’re wise (and I swear a bit lucky!) we’re able to gradually transfer both freedom & responsibility to our teens so that by the time they’re ready for their next phase of life, they’re prepared and mature enough to handle things on their own.  Once they turn 18, the law says they get to do whatever they want –with consequences of course.  This puts parents in a new and unfamiliar role.  By this time, we know them pretty well.  Their strengths, weaknesses, habits, passions…and blind spots!  And those blind spots are often what makes “letting go” most difficult.  As a mom of two adult children, I know how hard it can be to watch our adult “kids” move forward to uncover these things for themselves.  (Especially when we see things around the corners ahead that could cause problems or painful lessons for them.)

If you’re familiar with my work, you know that I coach using a model which addresses our: Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results.  I recently learned an additional way to sort out my thoughts and reactions when it comes to parenting adults. (Ironically, it’s also helped me manage my mind around other adults as well!)   Imagine you have a walk-in-closet that’s a state of absolute mayhem.  Unfolded pants shoved into shelves, Piles of clothes spilling onto the floor (some in need of repairs), lose buttons, a box filled half-way for the thrift store, a pile of shoes missing their match…  Now picture trying to organize that mess without taking anything out of the closet.  Probably not how you’d do it, right?  You’d take everything out first and spread it all out on the bed.  Then you’d sort it, putting like things together.  You’d hold each individual piece in your hands, inspecting it for damage before deciding: keep, donate, or toss?    I want to offer that you can approach your thoughts about your adult children in a similar way.  Take all your thoughts about whatever they’re experiencing and “dump them” all on paper.  Then look at each one individually to decide which box they land in.  Are you keeping old beliefs that aren’t serving you anymore?  Do these thoughts still “fit” your child or has she outgrown them?    Many of us have never taken the time to really get clear about what beliefs we hold as to who is responsible for our children once they’re not children anymore.  Who do you believe is responsible for their choices?  Do you believe God holds you responsible for your their behavior?  What’s your role and why?  Do you believe your parents are responsible for your behavior today?  If not, at what age did this change?    Keep in mind that that our thoughts will create emotions (whether positive or negative) which will drive our actions.  If I think “He’s really messing up”, I’ll likely feel fearful.  This could drive me to nag him, trying to tell him all the things I think he needs to know.  Doing so then pushes him away and closes off our communication, feeding my fear that he’s going to “mess up”.  But if I choose to think “I can trust that he’s going to figure this out.” I’ll probably feel more confident and give him space to explore and make mistakes.  Doing so allows me to see evidence that I can trust him to figure it out.    Notice that this doesn’t mean that we can’t share our hearts or our concerns with our adult children.  But it does allow me to do so from a clean place, rather in a reactive manner or from a negative emotion such as fear or frustration.  It allows me to communicate from a loving and trusting place…if that’s what I choose. Here are some optional thoughts that may give you some freedom: It was my job to plant seeds and nurture them.  God’s got it from here. I just get to love them & help them explore their options; they get to choose their life & consequences.
It’s not my job to rescue them from the lessons God wants to teach them. This is the beginning of a new relationship.  We’re both learning along the way.
We’re all going through this transition period. She’ll figure it out. God’s going with them to all the places I can’t.

The truth is, that your adult child is out of your control whether you continue to hang on or not.  But I think you’ll agree that none of us liked to be “parented” when we had just been deemed “adult”.   We all thought we knew more than our parents thought we did, and possibly even more then they did.  And yet, we figured it out.  They will too. 

You’re learning a new role. 

It’s a process. 

And God will teach you both plenty along the way!

Not sure how to apply this to your own life?  Why not do a mini session with me?

Click here. It’s free.

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